Weird day.

Today has been quite the day in Hollywood. First, Farrah Fawcett dies. Now Michael Jackson. Two amazing icons! I am quite the emotional person, and feel sad when anyone dies. But for some reason, I have been the biggest cry baby all day.

I obviously did not know Farrah, we have never met, and she was popular in my parents generation. I did happen to catch her cancer special, which was a very emotional hour of television. If you have not watched it, I suggest you do. Its inspiring, awful, sad, and enlightening all at the same time. Its like here is this person, this beautiful, good person, who has been handed their death sentence, and she still manages to find peace in her life. I am not as brave as her, or any cancer patient, and I probably never will be. I will (and I say will because I have this pessemistic theory that we all have cancer, we just don't know it) be the person who will always be asking "why me" and crying and whining about what I have to go through, how life isn't fair, and that I didn't deserve this.

On the day of her death, I couldn't help but think of Gram. It's almost been a year and I still cannot even think of her without crawling into a corner and bawling my eyes out. I'm heartbroken that she isn't here anymore. She didn't get to see the wedding she always told her doctors she was sticking around for. She didn't get to dance with my dad like she wanted. All I can think of are the things we didn't get to share together and the things I never told her. I feel so selfish. She was in so much pain and just wanted a break from it all, and all that meant was a phone call from me. I was so concerned with how I was dealing with her cancer and how much it hurt me, that I couldn't even pick up the phone to say hi. I should of called her everyday, and went to see her more...and I just didn't. My dad was right, now that she is gone, I have so many regrets. I feel so guilty, and I feel so ashamed of myself.

I wanted to post the euology that I gave at her funeral, but that is a little too personal to me. That is something that I want to save for myself and the loved ones that were there that day. Not just yet, but maybe someday. But Gram, if you are listening...

I am about to finally graduate college, just like I promised you. I still lock the door behind me every time I come into the house, and the wedding was beautiful and truly the happiest day of my life. I am sure you noticed when dad and myself were crying like babies during the father daughter dance. We were talking about you and how we wished you were there. And I know it was you who made the rain go away! So thanks. Thanks for my first puppy, for always being at my softball tournaments in 120 degree heat, and for always being supportive. Thank you for being you. There is no better grandma a kid could ask for. I miss you terribly and think of you all the time. I know the pain is gone and you are at peace.


Love,
Dani